I just wish tomorrow was over.

I know I should focus just on today. And that I should be grateful just for today. I have worked hard at living in the moment and in the present. Trying hard not to dwell on the past and things I can’t change, nor wishing it was however many days, weeks, months from now. But this one is different.

Cara is having her second eye surgery tomorrow morning. It has been scheduled for May 16 for about six weeks now. I did really well by telling myself that I wasn’t going to let it consume me or be really worried about it until the week before. Well, like clockwork, this past Monday I had major anxiety about the surgery. It didn’t help that Ed was out of town and both kids were at pre-school. And I was home alone. I did feel a lot better as soon as I got Sean and Cara from school.

The rest of the week hasn’t been much better. I wake up numerous times during the night and consequently feel exhausted during the day. And now we are just one day out. One day from surgery. I know the procedure is minor compared to what some kids go through. But she is my child. My baby. I have worked at occupying myself for every moment the last few days. Tonight is no different. Uncle Chaz and Aunt Doll are visiting from Pittsburgh and everyone is coming to our home for dinner tonight. My mom is spending the night to take care of Sean in the morning and get him to school. Every moment is planned.

I am hoping I can sleep some tonight, but I know I will nap with Cara tomorrow. After. When we are home. Away from the hospital.

My one vivid memory of the last surgery is when they wheeled her away. 10-months old, and she turned around and reached for me. Couldn’t help but cry. Please take care of my baby girl. Please guide the surgeon’s steady hand. Please let Cara know that we are there for her. That she is loved. I love you Cara Lyn.